Local Republican officials plan exciting if somewhat counterintuitive "Rally Against Representative Government"
Armed with unread pocket Constitutions and an impressive amount of misappropriated self-righteousness, members of Clark County's Republican Party have organized a rally before tonight's meeting of the C-Tran Executive Board.
"We shall fight tyranny!" shrieked rally organizer Debbie Peterson. "When elected officials do exactly what I want, then they are governing properly! When they don't, they have betrayed the trust of a nation of veterans and patriots and must be beheaded!"
"Tyranny, indeed!" cried state Rep. Liz Pike (R-Clairol). "I was all for representative government when things were going my way," she said. "But then these people who were elected by majority popular vote started making decisions I didn't like. The only possible answer has to be tyranny! These people performing the will of the majority of the electorate are tyrants!"
A man in the back of the room raised his hand and cleared his throat. "Um..."
"Yes, sir?" said Pike. "Would you like to come up here to get your free tricorn hat and expound on the evils of tyranny?"
"Well, I really don't need the hat," he said. "If I want a misapplied signifier of an era no one here actually understands, I'll go cut up a snake and staple it to a yellow sheet."
Pike stroked the fuzz on her chin and nodded in appreciation of the creative idea.
"But," said the man. "I do want to note that this word you keep using, 'tyranny'?"
"Yes," said Pike. "The tyranny of our elected leaders to force us to do things against our will!"
"Well," said the man. "I'm feeling like you don't really understand the words you're using."
Pike's colored contact lenses glinted with anger.
"See," he continued, "You keep saying tyranny, but I'm hard-pressed to understand how a majority of elected officials taking a legal vote in a legal fashion and thereby executing the duties of the offices they were elected to hold ... equates to tyranny."
"Well, we disagree with their vote!" said Pike.
"Yeah, I get that," the man answered. "But, see, that doesn't make them tyrants. There have been plenty of times, five that I can think of in the last nine months, that elected officials from your side have taken actions that a lot of the rest of us disagreed with. We protested, we said we didn't like what they did ... but we didn't call it tyranny, because ... well... we like to use words that we actually understand. If you think this C-Tran vote is tyranny, then you'd need to agree that the appointment of Don Benton to head of Environmental Services was tyranny; or that forcing Kevin Gray out of that seat in order to appoint Benton was tyranny; or that installing borderline illegal prayer before public meetings was tyranny; or that trying to turn the Humane Society in to an animal-shelter version of Wal-Mart is tyranny."
"Well, no," said Pike.
"Why not?" he asked. "It's actually much closer to the word's definition (though admittedly still inaccurate), since those decisions were made by one man exerting undue influence over another in order get his way. If those actions aren't tyranny, why is this C-Tran board a bunch of tyrants?"
"Well..." sputtered Pike "... Because we agreed with David Madore's actions! If we agree with it, then it's not tyranny!"
The man blinked. "Seriously?"
"So with this bullshit protest, you're essentially staging your own mini-version of the federal shutdown, protesting a decision that was made legally by elected representatives of the people, but then because you disagree with it, you're holding your breath and stomping your feet until you get what you want, even though what you want flies directly in the face of that little pocket constitution you carry around like a weapon, even though you've never even cracked the binding?"
Pike paused to make it seem like she understood what he had said. "Yes! That's exactly it!"
"Huh," the man said, scratching his head. "And you were elected, too. I guess we do get the government we deserve, then, don't we?"