Doctors across Pacific Northwest prescribe Vancouver mayoral debates as viable and cost-effective alternative to Ambien
"I've never seen anything more effective at putting large numbers of people to sleep," said Vancouver physician Kurt Holder. "I knew it was going to be a clunker of a debate when I was one of just 50 people in attendance, but I had no idea I'd stumble onto this amazing homeopathic remedy."
Holder attended last night's Mayoral Debate at Clark College on a whim. "I ended up leaving the office a little early," he said, "so I thought I'd swing by and see what it was like."
And, he said, from his vantage point in the third row, "It was one of the most boring things I've seen in my life."
He leaned in close. "SERIOUSLY. I don't think you understand. I worked my way through school as a painter. I've seen paint dry more charismatically than anything that occurred on that stage last night. Hell, they even looked bored by their own answers."
Blinking rapidly in a vain attempt to keep his eyes open, Holder turned to his phone and started texting medical friends and associates. "If I can stay awake long enough to figure it out," he wrote to a colleague in Seattle, "I think I have an all-natural sleep cure you'll want to check out."
He sent his friend the link to CVTV's live stream of the debate, and within minutes got this response: "OMG, I think you have found something revolutionary here. I got drowsy just typing the address into my browser bar. This new product is amazing!"
Excited about this professional development, Holder snapped to attention. "The best part about it is, we're able to skip all the clinical trials because we had all those test subjects in the room! We can start prescribing this today!"
By this morning, medical journals and blogs were on fire with the news that watching Vancouver's mayoral debates will help put anyone, even the toughest cases, into a deep and restful slumber. And the outlook for Vancouver's economy might be positive, too.
Said a representative from CVTV, "This could be huge for us. Someone should have asked us about this a long time ago. All of our employees have it in their contracts to drink one 5-Hour Energy every two hours. It's the only thing that keeps them awake when they have to record all of these events."
He continued, "We've got hours of footage just about as boring as that debate. If we license these things for even just a small fee, we could probably balance the city's budget in three days."