Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

County Commissioners announce plan to conduct all future business in bitchy Facebook posts
Exceptions to be made for occasional note-passing, bathroom stall graffiti, and obvious whispering that stops as soon as the other guy walks in

Following a series of self-righteous and passive-aggressive Facebook posts over the last few days, Clark County commissioners agreed this morning to use this model for all future commissioner communications.

"Bill," said commissioner Steve Stuart, "Would you please tell Mr. Madore that I will now only be speaking to him on my Facebook wall or, occasionally, by asking you to tell him things?"

County administrator Bill Barron stared at Stuart and blinked. "Seriously?"

"As a heart attack, Bill."

Barron sighed and turned to new commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "Commissioner Madore, Commissioner Stuart wants me to tell you that he will now only be speaking to you on his Facebook wall or by using me as a conduit."

"I'm glad to hear that, Bill," said Madore. "Could you please tell Commissioner Stuart that I, too, will now only be speaking to him on my Facebook page, or by asking you to pass along a message?"

Barron stared at Madore. "You're really going to make me do this?"

"I'm waiting, Bill," Madore said through clenched teeth.

"You're sitting right next to each other," said Barron.

"Please deliver my message, Bill," said Madore. "Don't make me violate your privacy as a county employee once again by dressing you down in a public forum and bypassing the proper HR and management protocols."

Barron sighed. "Commissioner Stuart, Commissioner Madore wants you to know he is going to do the same thing."

Stuart leaned forward. "Tell him I said 'Great.'"

"Commissioner Stuart says, 'Great.'"

"Me too," said Madore.

"Him, too," said Barron.

A county staffer tapped Barron on the shoulder and asked how commissioner and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke would participate since he isn't really on Facebook and has turned his office computer into a diorama for his miniature cars.

"Don't worry about it," said Mielke. "I don't need to use the Facebooks. I give David my vote. He knows what I want. Not that we've ever talked outside of open public meetings or anything. But go ahead and let him be my proxy. Will that get me out of here sooner? I have some phone and email records to shred."

Administrator Barron looked down at the desk calendar in front of him. He put his right thumb on May and stretched his pinky all the way down to September. "This is going to be a really long summer," he muttered.


  1. MoooooooooooM! David hit me!

    No I didn't!

    Yes you did!!!


    I'm tellin'!!! Dad.

  2. ID 10 T. Doesn't everyone knows that Mielke communicates with The Mordor by osmosis (through the pheromones in their cross-contaminated slime)?