Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Clark County Council taking suggestions for other phrases to post inside hearing room
Madore takes care to remind public that "We are only looking for words, not physical gestures"

After the roaring public relations success that was the "In God We Trust" debacle, Clark County councilors voted today to post the words of the Declaration of Independence on the walls of the county hearing room, as well.

"We are looking to honor the words of our forefathers," said councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore, "and also to provide selective reminders that support our own positions while failing to acknowledge the greater body of historical record."

Councilor and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke squinted his eyes and groaned. "That's a lot of words, in that thing there. Couldn't we get something shorter and snappier?"

 "What a great idea!" shouted Madore. "I'm going to go ahead with the Declaration, because it's something I want and because I've already authorized the purchase order to spend taxpayer money on this frivolous expense. But let's put out a call to the community and see what THEY'd like to see!"

The county then issued a press release asking for comments and suggestions on what slogans and phrases the community would like to see on the wall.

Responses poured in. Here are some of our favorites. What are yours?

Monday, March 9, 2015

Monday, March 9, 2015

Showing commitment to "transparency," Madore agrees to release all records related to privately-paid personal assistant, closely guarded private company, and personal phone and email records
"Since I am asking this of public employees, it is only fair that I, as a public servant, do the same."

Shortly after issuing two draft resolutions aimed at limiting Clark County public employees' rights, county councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore announced his intention to lead by example.

"I know that this is something new," said Madore. "Historically, I have been more of a 'Do as I say, not as I do' guy. But I realized that the community's patience with me is slipping and I need to change it up."

Last week, Madore announced that he wants to bring the public into county labor negotiations for the sake of "transparency." When he was reminded of that time that he hired sycophant and online-bullying enthusiast Anna Miller as a personal assistant, he paused.

"Yes," he said. "I hired Anna to help me at the county, and then paid her out of the same personal funds I used to buy this seat. And then when asked to disclose the terms of her employment and how much I pay her, I claimed the right to privacy because she is my personal employee, even though she has access to all county files and records and she acts as my agent in most things related to county business."

He looked down at the blank notebook in front of him and shook his head. "I realized, when trying to pass this resolution to restrict the rights of Clark County employees, taking away their right to privacy and fair negotiations by turning their labor negotiations into a mob-run circus that panders to the lowest common denominator, that perhaps I need to walk the talk."

Surprising the entire community, Madore then opened up all of his banking records, business records, phone files, and personal email, and commanded Anna Miller to do the same.

In turn surprising Madore, the community accepted the offering and began poring over his records.

"Hm," said Madore. "I was really hoping that the gesture would be enough. I wasn't actually expecting them to follow through."

He scratched his head and texted his wife: "Find the passports. I think we might be needing to leave soon."

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Clark County agrees to spend $165,000 on Don Benton's re-election campaign website about recycling
No. No, that actually is NOT a joke. They really did that.

With no debate, Clark County councilors agreed Tuesday night to spend $165,000 to pay an outside firm to maintain the website for the Environmental Services Department, run by part-time Environmental Services manager, part-time state senator, full-time pension padder Don Benton.

The website, according to Benton, will "be about recycling and how important that is and stuff."

Immediately after giving away $165,000 for unnecessary services in order to help Benton make friends in the business community. councilors deliberated at length over whether or not to pay $40,000 to a consultant to help in strategic planning for county parks land.

"These are important decisions we make every day," said councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "$40,000 is a lot of money and I just want to be sure we are spending it correctly."

When an audience member piped up from the back, "What about the money for Benton to make a website?" Madore looked around like he thought he'd heard something but concluded it must be just a bug, or the encouraging voice of an angel.

After the meeting, intrepid journalists asked Benton how a website communicating basic, common knowledge merits a specialized format and separate contract.

Benton grew irritated. "You're trying to trap me!" he shrieked. "This is 'gotcha' journalism! Next you're going to be asking about why the website will prominently feature my picture and campaign slogan, along with extensive SEO work using the keywords 'senate,' 'campaign,' and 17th Legislative District.'"

He scratched his belly. "This is the ONE day this week I came to work, and THIS is what I have to put up with? Next you're going to be drawing attention to the fact that in order to pay for this special favor to a friend, I raised everyone's solid waste and water taxes. Will you people stop at nothing!?!?!?!"

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Councilor Mielke wants to know where to stick the new "In God We Trust" motto
Huge citizen response overwhelms county servers

Just one day after successfully passing an out-of-state lobbying group's frivolous proposal to polarize the county by installing "In God We Trust" inside Clark County chambers, councilor and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke opened the discussion about where the council should stick it.

"This is a very important decision," said Mielke. "I know that because the out-of-state lobbyists told me over a nice steak dinner. Then they handed me an envelope with a list of suggestions and a check."

Councilor Jeanne Stewart cocked her head and looked at Mielke. "It strikes me, Councilor Mielke, that these might be things you want to mention on an 'inside-voice' level, not an 'into the microphone on the public record' level. Just... you know ... a thought."

Mielke looked around like he'd heard something, but wasn't sure what it was.

"Please forgive Councilor Mielke, Councilor Stewart," said councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "His hearing aid is programmed to create a buzzing sound whenever a woman speaks."

As Stewart started to formulate a reply, a member of the county's IT staff entered the room and whispered in Acting County Manager Mark McCauley's ear.

"Seriously?" asked McCauley.

The staffer nodded and tried not to laugh.

McCauley turned to the council.

"I'm terribly sorry, councilors," he said. "We are going to have to reschedule this meeting. It appears that, when we sent out the agenda for this meeting, a high volume of county residents had input. There are so many citizens who want to tell you where to stick the motto, that our servers have failed."

"Why can't we just finish the meeting?" asked Mielke.

"Well, councilor," said McCauley, "We need to provide you with all of the citizen comment before you can deliberate. With the servers down, we can't access all of the notes from the people who want to tell you where to stick the motto."

"Thank you, Mr. McCauley," said Stewart. "I do have my own opinions, but we definitely need to hear from all of the people who want to tell Mr. Mielke where to stick it."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Clark County ramps up public health spending to accommodate sudden increase in citizens reporting auditory hallucinations
"When 50% of the room is reporting that they have direct conversations with God, we've left the Bible and entered the DSM-5."

At yesterday's long, contentious, and frivolous hearing about two county councilors' attempt to ignite a religious war, something surprisingly positive happened.

As about half the citizens present testified in favor of the councilors' decision to post the religious motto, "In God We Trust" inside the council hearing room, councilor Jeanne Stewart noticed that most of those in favor of the motto supported their statement by saying that God spoke to them.

"Many of them even recounted long and elaborate conversations," said Stewart, the newest councilor. "That struck me as odd. I, like many others, feel that I have a relationship with God. But I don't actually hear Him speak. That would be kind of alarming, I would think."

She then contacted Clark County's public heath department, who enlisted the help of experts in the mental health field.

"Councilor Stewart is correct," said a psychiatrist. "While many religious people speak to God, if and when He starts speaking back, especially if it's with any frequency, there is cause for heightened awareness. These can be warning signs that someone needs help."

After consulting with mental health providers from throughout the county, the public health department asked the County Council for emergency funding to provide additional diagnosis and treatment.

"I was not happy about the rancor and divisiveness we saw at this public hearing," said councilor Stewart. "But if it means that, in some way, we are able to help county residents get the help they need? Then maybe it was all worth it."

"What we find most alarming," another expert said, "is twofold: these people claimed to represent many, many others in the community. If that's the case, it appears we might have an epidemic brewing."

He furrowed his brow and referenced a note. "Oh, the second thing? Yeah the second thing is that these were also all of the people carrying firearms."

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday, February 23, 2015

Yes, people. We here at Daily 'Couve HQ are aware that it's been months -- MONTHS!!!! -- since we delighted you with a post about our fair county. [Some of our detractors would say that we have yet to delight them. But that's cool. We'd say it about them, too]

But in honor of our county's ongoing religious battles, we here at Daily 'Couve chose to use our annual Lenten observance as service to fellow prayer warriors.

For Lent, we are giving up being quiet. We'll see you again soon, kids. SOON.

County finally installs national motto in council chambers
Budget constraints force staff to use abridged version

In the last few weeks, Clark County councilors have taken the bold step of eschewing actual governance, in favor of launching a spiritual war over whether or not to install the United States’ Communist-fearing “In God We Trust” motto inside council chambers.

Yes, councilors could have been discussing ways to show leadership in regional transportation planning. Or how to reasonably and effectively update a growth management plan. Or even how it is that Environmental Services Director/State Senator/litigation enthusiast Don Benton can be in two places at once, being paid for doing two jobs at once.

Instead, they chose to let a Missouri-based religious lobby group fabricate a county-wide religious feud.

“I’m impressed by their boldness,” said Congresswoman Jaime Herrera from her well-apportioned office in Washington, DC. “Working with Speaker Boehner, I know all about manufactured division. What’s impressive to me is that they didn’t waste any time getting to it. Usually, you’d try to establish reliability and trust in the first couple of months. It’s fascinating to me not only that the councilors skipped that step, but that Clark County just went right along with it,” she said.

Smelling an easy target, the Missouri-based In God We Trust-America, has been working on Clark County for a while. Known for being a man who enjoys the attention of church-going women with low expectations, Mielke listened to their pitch and brought it forward as his own idea.

“I can think of no more important work for a county councilor,” he said, “than having an excruciating and unnecessary conversation that invokes God and is really about nothing more than interior decorating.

“Does this have to happen?” he continued. “No. Do we need to have a public vote on it? Also no. Is it inappropriate, ineffective, and unproductive? YES! That’s why I do it!!!!!”

Shortly after the fifth hour of testimony that was mostly opposed to the proposal, the board of councilors unanimously approved it.

Unfortunately, they forgot that the county’s general fund had already been drained by councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore’s ill-advised fee waiver plan.

Working with very limited funds, county staff had to shorten the motto in order to be able to afford to produce it.

“We had to change a few of the words,” said a member of the planning staff. “We tried our best to keep it to the same meaning, though.”

Mielke, not known for his prowess with English, gave final approval for the motto before it was ordered.

Staff installed it over the weekend, and the county manager unveiled it this morning.

In gleaming letters 12” high, the words “God Help Us” welcomed visitors.

The entire hearing room erupted in applause.

“This is truly doing the work of the people,” beamed Mielke.

“I’ve never seen a truer motto than that one,” said a citizen as she knelt to the ground in prayer.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Let's Debunk this Mailer!
Anti-Charter Bullshit Misinformation Edition

The anti-home rule charter folks, funded by my good buddy motion-control enthusiast David Madore, put out a sweet, sweet mailer that's basically just a master class in misinformation.

I'd have made these videos into a drinking game where you have to drink every time there's a ridiculous fabrication of fact, but I care too much about you people to give you alcohol poisoning.