Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

County commissioners celebrate Earth Day by recycling meeting recordings into Greatest Hits album

Clark County commissioners announced this morning that they will honor the spirit of Earth Day by "Reducing, Reusing and Recycling," said commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore.

Instead of meeting in person, commissioners agreed that they will ask CVTV to re-broadcast some of their favorite meetings over the last year and a half. Audio recordings of those meetings will be released in a small ceremony today. Purchasers will receive a CD recording of the meetings, a plastic bag full of harsh cleaning supplies, and a 30-day supply of styrofoam cups bearing a "Happy Earth Day" burnout design. The first 30 purchasers will also receive a special limited-edition neck brace, for specialized treatment of doublespeak-induced whiplash.

Some key favorites included on the album:

Mandatory Prayer at Public Meetings is the Best Way to Honor Religious Freedom

Fee for Service? We Don't Need No Stinking Fee for Service!

No Really, These Parks Will Totally Maintain Themselves 

Hey, Remember That Time We Forced a Guy Out Because He Was Trying to Get Whistleblower Protection Against Us?

And Then We Hired Our Buddy to Replace Him Even Though He Isn't Qualified and We Didn't Follow Proper Procedure to Do It? (Feat. Steve Stuart, "Bullshit!")

"We've really had a great year and a half," said Madore. "I'm glad the community can share it with us. For a small fee, of course."

Asked if the proceeds from CD sales would go to the county's anemic general fund, Madore laughed heartily. "You really haven't been paying attention to what we're trying to do here, have you?"

Monday, April 21, 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

Benton threatens Bunny with lawsuit for evading harsh penalty of new "Egg Litter Tax"

Old white guys at a kids' event on a Saturday?!? Must be campaign season!
(l-r) Rep. Brandon Vick, Rep. Paul Harris, A Very Uncomfortable Volunteer,
Sen. Don Benton, Rep. Jim Moeller

Clark County Environmental Services Director/ Washington State Senator/ One-man Meme Generator Don Benton sent a letter to the Easter Bunny today, threatening to sue the Bunny for littering and tax evasion.

Benton's letter cited the Bunny's "insistence on visiting just once a year, leaving litter all over the county, and expecting our children to pick up after it."

Further investigation into Benton's suit revealed that his primary concern was not the eggs left on lawns, but the fact that the Bunny served constituents equally and without regard to political preference. "That's no way to run an organization," he said. "How can you tell who's loyal to you if you treat everyone with an equal amount of respect?"

Reached for comment, the Bunny stroked the soft fur on its floppy ears and sighed. "You miss one house, one time, and these are the sort of revenge tactics you end up seeing. I'm disappointed in Don, but I'm not surprised. It's actually why I've started doing more large-group events like egg hunts at the farmer's markets or local ball fields. It's a real bitch to get to every house. I don't have a team of flying reindeer like SOME magical figures I could mention."

Friday, March 21, 2014

Friday, March 21, 2014

City of Vancouver weighs new "Virtual Horse Manure" fee to offset increased costs incurred by county leadership

Shortly after public trough enthusiast Don Benton announced his intent to commit extortion in the name of a balanced budget, he received a tough dose of his own medicine.

Claiming the need to raise local fees in order to pay off a costly Clean Water Act settlement, Benton targeted the county's only daily newspaper by threatening a specific, targeted, and transparently retributional $150,000 tax.

"If that paper insists on printing things that make me look bad," said Benton, "then I will insist on making it impossible for them to do business."

When it was pointed out to Benton that the county does not have the authority to impose a "litter tax," nor does it have the right to target individual businesses that operate under a different jurisdiction, in this case the City of Vancouver, he snorted. "I don't think you know who you're talking to."

"Oh but we do," said the entire Vancouver City Council in unison. "We hear you loud and clear."

The Vancouver City Council, while split on many issues and still trying to determine its identity in the wake of recent election-year turnover, was unanimous on one point.

"We need to strengthen our noise pollution ordinances around here," said Mayor Tim Leavitt. "Specifically in the area near the courthouse and county building. If it smelled as bad as it sounds over there, no one would be able to even walk down that block without strapping on a pair of hip waders."

The other six members of council agreed and immediately passed a noise ordinance covering the four-block area that encompasses the county's primary operations complex.

"We want to be sure we only go for those polluters who already have tracking systems in place and who contribute a large amount of waste," said Leavitt. "It's pretty well-documented that a major load is dropped every time Don Benton opens his mouth. So that's where we're going to start."


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thursday, March 20, 2014

"Impertinent questions" and "Free medical advice" top list of commissioners' greatest concerns about new commissioner candidates

In just a couple of weeks, motion-control enthusiast David Madore and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke will have a tough choice to make: do they, or do they not, select a woman to be their next colleague on the Clark County Board of Commissioners?

It's well-known that neither commissioner has much love for front-runner and Glory Days enthusiast Craig Pridemore, but book-makers across the county are calling him the odds-on favorite. If for no other reason than that Madore and Mielke have grave concerns about sharing the dais with a girl.

During yesterday's Board Time meeting, Mielke worried a folded-up piece of paper between his thumb and forefinger. It dropped from his hand as he left the room, and an eagle-eyed staffer picked it up. It turned out to be a well-worn page from a 1945 Men's Manual he'd been given as a youngster. The edges of the page were dog-eared, and many notes and annotations covered the back of the page.

"Sparkplugs," said one note in the margin. "Shameless impertinence," said another.

Since one of the women in the running is our fearless leader here at Daily 'Couve HQ, we asked her for comment.

"My shameless impertinence is pretty well-documented," she said while getting her nails done and answering phones. "But I resent the implication that my desk manners are anything short of the highest order."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

County changes paper of record from Columbian to first page of Madore's pocket Bible

In a bold move yesterday, Clark County commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore led a vote to change Clark County's paper of record from the daily Columbian to a piece of paper he promises to tuck into the front cover of his pocket Bible.

When Madore made the motion, he was clear about wanting to leave the Columbian -- but he did not seem to realize that this meant he'd have to pick something else to replace it.

The county must provide legal notices in a publication with countywide circulation. The Columbian is the local paper that best meets this qualification. However, since it is also the paper that most frequently commits acts of journalism, Madore and Mielke have grave concerns about continuing to support its nefarious mission.

"I cannot justify paying to place advertisements in a publication whose management does not bend to my will," said Madore. "This is not the kind of democracy I paid for."

When county legal counsel advised Madore that the county has a responsibility to print legal notices, Madore scoffed. "You do know that I write daily Facebook posts that tell people what's happening in our county, don't you?"

Legal counsel nodded stiffly and replied that, yes, many people are aware of his Facebook posts, but that those posts, as brilliant and freshly worded as they are, do not meet the need for legal notice.

Madore pursed his lips and memorized the staffer's name so he could add it to his "to fire" list.

Mielke snorted awake from a nap and asked if it was time to go to lunch yet.

"Fine," said Madore. "So we need to place legal announcements in something that has countywide circulation. You know, I go all over this county. I'm a county guy. I just love counties. So why don't I just make a note on a piece of paper and carry it with me wherever I go?"

Legal counsel stared at Madore and tried to determine whether or not he was joking. "Are you joking?" he asked.

"I don't joke," Madore replied. "I will write down the legal notices every day, tuck them into the front cover of my pocket Bible, and carry them with me wherever I go."

"But then, in order to see the notice, people will not only have to talk with you individually, they will also have to look at your Bible with you."

Madore paused to consider this statement, and realized that there are only so many hours in a day.

"You're right," he said. "There's no way I can reach all of those constituents."

So he made a friendly amendment to his own motion. "Let's also add, in addition to my personal Bible, all Christian church bulletins in the county. Those are inexpensive, and they reach a wide audience."

Legal counsel grimaced. "But that leaves out anyone who doesn't go to church, sir."

Madore stared and blinked. "And?"

Counsel sighed. "Really? You're really going to make me have this conversation?"

"There's no conversation to be had," Madore replied. "You should have realized by now that this isn't a dialogue."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday, March 7, 2014

Commissioner promises constituents a new East County bridge made of unicorn dust and angel wings

At Thursday's State of the County address, county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore grabbed the microphone and beamed a broad smile at the assembled county employees who were forced to be there.

"We will have a new East County bridge within five years," Madore said.

"I've got it designed, engineered, and ready to go. Sure, I haven't actually talked with anyone else about it. And yes, there's the fact that my toothpick model is neither to scale nor entirely structurally sound even at this small size. But I'm positive that if we all just pray really hard, God will help us make this happen."

Reached for comment, the Mayor of Gresham Shane Bemis furrowed his brow. "He's gonna need a lot more than prayer to land a bridge that we don't want here," said Bemis.

Camas Mayor Scott Higgins concurred. "Without the support of all the involved stakeholders, I'm pretty sure Mr. Madore's project is going to be less bridge and more.... ramp."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thursday, March 6, 2014

County passes emergency resolution to give nude dancing a deep, thorough, penetrating examination
Rejects permit application for new strip club, "Open for Business"

In the latest scintillating chapter of Clark County's commitment to helping businesses thrive, the board of county commissioners yesterday issued an emergency moratorium on strip clubs.

"I'm a jobs guy," said commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "I just love jobs. I love helping businesses thrive. I love free enterprise."

Some enterprises, however, are "Maybe just a little freer than I'm prepared to love." he said.

Commissioners admitted that banning strip clubs runs counter to their often-repeated commitment to the creation of any jobs at any cost.

"I guess we just want to be careful," said commissioner and beard model Steve Stuart. "There are lots of different kinds of jobs in those establishments, and some cost more than others.

"This is going to need an exhaustive and penetrating review," he finished.

Unlike the other two commissioners, revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke was less worried about jobs and more concerned about the safety of the people dancing in the strip clubs.

"This can be kind of dangerous work," he said. "I'm gonna be a little bit brave here and say I think if we DO allow these kinds of businesses, we require all of the employees to carry guns."

Legal counsel Chris Horne paused and looked at Mielke.

"So..." said Horne. "Given the nature of the work, that's probably an open carry permit we'd be discussing, then?"