Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Commissioners demonstrate their hatred for county government by giving their cronies sweet jobs in county government



"It's kind of like taking a master class in Orwellian philosophy," said one county employee who insisted on remaining anonymous. "I don't want the commissioners to fire me so they can give my job to one of their neighbors."

The master class the employee referred to was county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore's remarkable ability to exist in a constant state of cognitive dissonance. "He says government needs to be smaller, then he goes and increases it. He says we shouldn't fund health care and benefits, then goes and creates a job specifically for his buddy who has 12 kids, and puts them all on county-taxpayer-paid health care."

Last week, Madore and fellow commissioner/revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke hired twitchy Tea Party activist Peter Silliman for a position which, as far as anyone can tell, simply entails following Madore and Mielke around saying, "Yes, Boss. Good idea, Boss," whenever either man speaks.

It's a pretty sweet gig for someone who rarely exhibits the ability to craft his own independent thoughts. And while the Daily 'Couve is happy for the Silliman family that they can muster a minimum of two basketball teams at a moment's notice, we also hope that the new job will keep him busy enough to leave that poor woman alone for a little while.

Similar to their other notable crony-hiring fiasco, Madore and Mielke manipulated the Silliman hire from the start. They issued a job description with the posting, and then after it was already posted, changed it to meet the "qualifications" they found in quiver-filler Silliman.

"It's downright impressive," said the anonymous employee. "I mean, seriously, I'm expecting to come to work tomorrow and see posters claiming 'Ignorance is Strength' plastered throughout the hallways."

Here at Daily 'Couve HQ, we're inclined to agree. Though it has been pointed out to us, too, that perhaps we're making it too complicated.

"I think it's pretty simple," said one former county employee. "They hate county government, right? Well, what better way to show how much you hate it than by hiring these incompetent fools to siphon the money out of the general fund and weaken county government to the point that everyone hates it because it's so useless and terrible? ... It's kind of like the perfect hate-crime against the entire county."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

County commissioner continues important legacy of governance by "I'm not SAYIN, I'm just sayin."



It’s an exciting time here in Clark County. Will an I-5 bridge happen or won’t it? Will investment in public transportation infrastructure happen or won’t it? Will the charter to update and improve our county’s system of government pass or won’t it?

These are important questions about whether or not Clark County will plan for a future of progress and vision. And when it comes to answering those questions, County commissioner and motion control enthusiast David Madore wants to be clear, his answer is NO!

During his year and a half in the office that he purchased for $300,000 of his own money, Madore has spent a lot of time on Facebook, issuing bizarre platitudes ringed with irrelevant passages from the Bible.

And to the great delight of all of us over here at Daily ‘Couve HQ, his posts get weirder, his claims get more specious, and his perspective gets more batshit with every passing day.

Based on a recent post that tried to pass off a handwritten note from a crank as a legitimate source, the Daily 'Couve had a few OTHER suggestions for Madore's pile of truths-via-notecard.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Thursday, July 10, 2014

After first day of Vancouver pot sales, Uptown residents waaaaaaay more chill about the new McDonald's going in up the street


The crowds on Main Street were notable, as people lined up yesterday to buy legal recreational marijuana in Vancouver. Happily burning incense, playing drums, and exchanging meaningful nods as they appreciated one another's braided-hemp jewelry, citizens of Southwest Washington as well as Portland celebrated the ability to get high legally.

"This is the future, man," said one excited citizen who roamed the crowd trying to sell his collection of handmade bongs. "Here's your usual Gatorade bottle," he said about one. "And here's an apple," he said, brandishing another. "You want to get really awesome, here's one I made out of a doll's head. I know! Crazy!"

Giving credit to the notion that legal pot sales will be good for Clark County businesses, every convenience store and gas station within walking distance of Main Street Marijuana reported selling out of Cheetos, candy bars and hot dogs by 3pm.

"We just couldn't keep the shelves stocked!" said the manager of the 7-Eleven two blocks away from the new shop. "Either people were stocking up because they knew they weren't going to be leaving the house for a couple days, or they'd gotten high the second they left the shop and were on their way home."

He paused to think about what he'd just said. "I mean, not that anyone at all would do that, since it's illegal to smoke in public. All the people who bought pot today and definitely everyone who comes into this store are totally law-abiding citizens who wouldn't disrespect the law, I'm positive. So, um, scratch that. It was all people who were, um, planning ahead. Yeah."

An unexpected effect of the new shop opening has been a reduction in opposition to the McDonald's that has been planned for the lot across the street from 7-Eleven. Though Downtown residents have been up in arms about the siting of the fast-food restaurant, opposition dramatically decreased by Wednesday evening.

"Yeah..." said one red-eyed young man. "I wasn't super into the whole corporate fast-food thing being so close to my house. But... I don't know... I could really go for a Big Mac right now." He stopped talking to visualize a Big Mac and his eyes got wide. "Or one of those apple pies! Duuuude, those are so gooooooood. Hey, uh, could you give me a ride to the other McDonald's? It's only like a mile away."


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Thursday, July 3, 2014

County Commissioner reclassifies all differing opinions as "hate speech"



Weary of having to defend his half-baked and falsely grounded perspectives on all things from infrastructure investment to the actual meanings of real words, county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore took to the internet this week to remove people from the internet.

On the Facebook page that he marks as public, uses to transact county business, and links to publicly in his capacity as an elected official, Madore claimed that he will no longer accept commentary from anyone who disagrees with him.

"This kind of hate speech will not be tolerated," Madore typed furiously from his desk at the publicly funded county building. "Questioning my flawed core assumptions and pointing out glaring errors in fact or interpretation is simply intolerable."

"Um," wrote one commenter, shortly before being banned. "Disagreeing with you isn't hate speech. You're kind of totally and fundamentally missing the point."

"Look how these monsters persecute me!" typed Madore. "This will not stand!"

"Dude," wrote another community member who qualified his remarks by reminding Madore that he is actually a supporter, so "Please don't take this the wrong way, but um, chill out. Can't you defend your positions without rushing to blame someone else? I voted for you and it's kind of sad to see you get all defensive and fascist like this."

Madore clicked "ban user" on that man and proceeded to explain why in another 800-word comment.

"It saddens me," he wrote, "that even people who once had the sense to vote for me as their representative now longer take everything I say and do as gospel. Nothing has changed--well, the only thing that has changed is them. They have been wooed by the hate-mongers who try to have reasonable discourse based on fact instead of empty ideology. They have been turned into word-terrorists by those who would deign to disagree with me.

"This is my personal Facebook page," he continued. "I mean, if you overlook the fact that it's the only way I allow people to interact with me, I advertise it as a public county business page, and I have another, separate Facebook page that I clearly mark as personal. But other than that, this is my personal page when I want it to be and so I assert my First Amendment right to kick you off of it in order to maintain the illusion that no one disagrees with me."

He then posted a clip art picture of a fancy cat in a top hat, rolling around in a pile of money.

"We all know that I purchased this seat in order to be able to say I represent the people. By disagreeing with me, you tarnish that illusion and I just can't have that. And so, as of today, all individuals in Clark County who disagree with me are hate terrorists. I do not represent these hateful views, and I do not represent these people."

Everyone in Clark County then paused what they were doing to look around quizzically.

"Did that really just happen?" asked one.

"Seriously, didn't he just break about 45 different laws?" asked another.

A third person shrugged. "Probably. I'm pretty sure that's on the low end for his daily tally. But, you know. At least he's finally being honest about the fact that he doesn't represent the people of Clark County."



Thursday, June 26, 2014

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Vancouver Mayor takes on community's toughest problems ... a car wash that didn't meet his exacting specifications



Vancouver Mayor and chest-press enthusiast Tim Leavitt took to Facebook yesterday to demonstrate the daring and brave community leadership he has become known for.


"Sometimes you just have to end a relationship, no matter how difficult life may seem to be afterwards," he wrote.
Members of the Facebook community leaned forward eagerly, in anticipation of the deeply personal information Leavitt was about to share.

"Has he ended an intimate relationship?" some asked.

"Perhaps it was a close friendship that soured!" another speculated.

"Whatever it is, you know it has to be important and meaningful, for him to use such arch language and share it on Facebook to make make sure the community knows and understands where he's coming from so they can help support him in this time of incredible vulnerability!"

"He said it himself! Life will be SO difficult for him now!"

Friends and followers joined hands and took a deep breath as they read further.
"Today, I've officially ended my association with the car wash on east Mill Plain where you are supposed to have your interior cleaned. 
I've given this business the benefit of the doubt 2 previous times. But today, I came to the realization that no matter what level of service you purchase, whether the Full, Deluxe or Super Deluxe, they still do a bad job."

"THE HORROR!" the community screamed in unison.



Within minutes, nonprofit organizations and community activists began organizing a benefit concert.

"I really appreciate the mayor's bravery," said one of the organizers. "He takes on the tough issues, tackles them with a strength we rarely see, and involves all of us in his decision-making. I feel we are truly blessed by his leadership."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

New County Commissioner Ed Barnes Sworn In, Immediately Hires Former Commissioner and Current Candidate Pridemore as Assistant
"I thought I'd lead by example and show the commissioners how to hire someone who's qualified."

Craig Pridemore (center) filling out paperwork for Ed Barnes (left) and Kelly Love Parker (right),
because he's the only one who knew where to find the pens.

When Clark County commissioners and entropy enthusiasts David Madore and Tom Mielke appointed Ed Barnes to the open seat on the county commission last week, they did so as an open slap in the face to former commissioner and Nicorette enthusiast Craig Pridemore. 

Pridemore, who last month filed to run for the office on the November ballot, was one of three candidates for the appointment to fill the seat's unexpired term. 

While selecting Pridemore would have been the commissioners' practical, responsible, and public-relations-friendly choice, Mielke reminded the audience in the room that "Doing the right thing should never get in the way of fulfilling a personal agenda."

Madore smiled broadly and nodded, leaning over to his personal assistant and asking her to check his teeth for kale.

Barnes, seeing Madore talk to his assistant, cleared his throat and stood up.

"Thank you all for selecting me. Seeing Mr. Madore there talking to his the personal assistant he pays out of his personal pocket so that he can avoid public disclosure laws, despite the fact that she is not a county employee and yet has full access to county staff, meetings, and records, reminds me of something."

Barnes looked around the room and smiled. "For my first official act as county commissioner, I would like to hire my own personal assistant. This is a big job and I need support to get it right. I will be hiring former commissioner and current candidate Craig Pridemore to be my right hand. I'll pay him from my own pocket, and he will have all of the same rights as Mr. Madore's assistant."

Barnes then smiled.

"I mean, don't you think it'll be refreshing to finally have someone working on this floor again who actually understands and is qualified for the job?"

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Heading in to 73rd straight hour of anti-oil testimony, Vancouver City Councilors consider building an escape ladder out of urine-filled Gatorade bottles


When Vancouver City Council moved their Monday evening meeting to the Hilton, they knew they were going to have a larger crowd than usual for the much-anticipated hearing on the Tesoro/Savage oil terminal. They didn't, however, expect to need water stations and energy gels to keep them going through the marathon meeting.

"This was kind of nuts," said councilor Bart Hansen. "It's not that we don't want to hear from our constituents. We do. I know I do, very much, because I'm planning to run again next year and I need you to think that I listen."

He fingered the gel residue on one of his crispy curls. "But this is kind of out of hand. We began this thing at 7pm Monday and as far as I can tell, it's August now. You do know that after testifier number 17, all I could hear in my head was the Jackson 5 singing 'ABC,' right?"

With 700 people in the room and more than 100 testifying, most in opposition, into the early hours of the morning, Vancouver City Council received a clear and strong message.

"I'm not really sure what that message is, though, anymore, to tell you the truth," said councilor Larry Smith. "I'm so tired I'm not actually positive we're having this conversation. Are you a hallucination?"

In the end, only Mayor Tim Leavitt and his former challenger councilor Bill Turlay voted against the council's resolution to formally oppose the terminal.

"Do any of you people know how old I am?" asked Turlay. "Keeping me up this late is borderline abusive. You want to know whose testimony I'm going to give the most weight to? The next one of you who comes up here, pulls out that phone doohickey of yours, and just plays ocean music and lets us take a 3-minute nap."