Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Let's Debunk this Mailer!
Anti-Charter Bullshit Misinformation Edition

The anti-home rule charter folks, funded by my good buddy motion-control enthusiast David Madore, put out a sweet, sweet mailer that's basically just a master class in misinformation.

I'd have made these videos into a drinking game where you have to drink every time there's a ridiculous fabrication of fact, but I care too much about you people to give you alcohol poisoning.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Get the Truth: Vote Yes on the County Charter

Longtime readers of the Daily 'Couve know that, around here, we hate bullshit.

Sadly, the anti-charter campaign is flinging piles of it in order to diminish the efforts of the 15 Freeholders who wrote a simple, practical document that will help control current abuses of power and prevent similar ones in the future.

Daily 'Couve capo di tutti capo and her pals from the Vancouver Side, Jim Mains and Gary Bock, have put together a series of educational videos to help tell the truth about what the Home Rule Charter really means.

It's like "The More You Know," only with a Fireball chaser.

Stay tuned for more!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

An Open Letter to the Vancouver Sausage Fest
And no, I'm not talking about a meeting of the Clark County Board of Commissioners


We will miss you in 2015, Vancouver Sausage Fest. Adieu.

From this time last year:

Vancouver Sausage Fest, you are perfect.
Who else can combine priests, Cub Scouts, and sausage on a stick with unparalleled confidence?
No one, that's who.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Friday, August 1, 2014

Vancouver Mayor threatens to quit golfing if taxpayers don't pick up the tab
"You don't want to be responsible for that kind of loss, do you?" he demands

In a bold if tone-deaf move on Monday night, Vancouver Mayor Tim Leavitt proposed that city taxpayers pick up the tab for councilmembers' membership dues in voluntary service organizations. Specifically, Leavitt wanted to get out of the $500+ he owes the Vancouver Rotary Club.

"My employer used to pay those dues for me," he said. "But then they realized that it's just yet another way they're paying me for performance they're not seeing."

So PBS Engineering stopped paying Leavitt's dues and he risked a $540 drop in his booze and cigars fund.

Taking it to city council, Leavitt advocated for the city to pay such memberships. "This organization gives scholarships to children and helps nonprofits. If my employer isn't paying for me to be a part of it, and the city isn't paying for it, then why should I go?" he asked. "I've got to have priorities and draw the line somewhere," he said. "If someone else doesn't pick up the tab for my involvement in that charitable organization, I might just have to quit altogether."

The room was silent as exactly no one rushed forward to express their deep sense of loss.

"Seriously?" asked councilor Alishia Topper, breaking the silence. "We seriously have to spend time on this? What, do you want us to pay your gym membership next, so you can stay pretty for pictures at all those exhausting ribbon cuttings you go to?"

Leavitt paused and contemplated her comment. "That's actually not a bad idea," he said. "You know, like a lot of movie stars and stuff, it's their job to look good. You could say the same about me as Mayor."

Topper blinked. "You could say that." She stared at Leavitt. "You'd be laughed out of the room, but you could say that."

"But you know," Leavitt said, "I do spend a lot of time on the golf course. And everyone there pats me on the back and calls me 'Mayor.' I think it'd make a lot of sense for the city to pay my club memberships, since, you know, I'm representing the city while I'm there."

Topper threw her hands in the air and leaned back in her chair. "I'm tapping out. Anyone else?"

Councilor Jack Burkman leaned in. "So, these golf games you want us to pay for. Would those be all of the games you play? Or just the ones you skip council meetings for?"

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Commissioners demonstrate their hatred for county government by giving their cronies sweet jobs in county government

"It's kind of like taking a master class in Orwellian philosophy," said one county employee who insisted on remaining anonymous. "I don't want the commissioners to fire me so they can give my job to one of their neighbors."

The master class the employee referred to was county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore's remarkable ability to exist in a constant state of cognitive dissonance. "He says government needs to be smaller, then he goes and increases it. He says we shouldn't fund health care and benefits, then goes and creates a job specifically for his buddy who has 12 kids, and puts them all on county-taxpayer-paid health care."

Last week, Madore and fellow commissioner/revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke hired twitchy Tea Party activist Peter Silliman for a position which, as far as anyone can tell, simply entails following Madore and Mielke around saying, "Yes, Boss. Good idea, Boss," whenever either man speaks.

It's a pretty sweet gig for someone who rarely exhibits the ability to craft his own independent thoughts. And while the Daily 'Couve is happy for the Silliman family that they can muster a minimum of two basketball teams at a moment's notice, we also hope that the new job will keep him busy enough to leave that poor woman alone for a little while.

Similar to their other notable crony-hiring fiasco, Madore and Mielke manipulated the Silliman hire from the start. They issued a job description with the posting, and then after it was already posted, changed it to meet the "qualifications" they found in quiver-filler Silliman.

"It's downright impressive," said the anonymous employee. "I mean, seriously, I'm expecting to come to work tomorrow and see posters claiming 'Ignorance is Strength' plastered throughout the hallways."

Here at Daily 'Couve HQ, we're inclined to agree. Though it has been pointed out to us, too, that perhaps we're making it too complicated.

"I think it's pretty simple," said one former county employee. "They hate county government, right? Well, what better way to show how much you hate it than by hiring these incompetent fools to siphon the money out of the general fund and weaken county government to the point that everyone hates it because it's so useless and terrible? ... It's kind of like the perfect hate-crime against the entire county."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

County commissioner continues important legacy of governance by "I'm not SAYIN, I'm just sayin."

It’s an exciting time here in Clark County. Will an I-5 bridge happen or won’t it? Will investment in public transportation infrastructure happen or won’t it? Will the charter to update and improve our county’s system of government pass or won’t it?

These are important questions about whether or not Clark County will plan for a future of progress and vision. And when it comes to answering those questions, County commissioner and motion control enthusiast David Madore wants to be clear, his answer is NO!

During his year and a half in the office that he purchased for $300,000 of his own money, Madore has spent a lot of time on Facebook, issuing bizarre platitudes ringed with irrelevant passages from the Bible.

And to the great delight of all of us over here at Daily ‘Couve HQ, his posts get weirder, his claims get more specious, and his perspective gets more batshit with every passing day.

Based on a recent post that tried to pass off a handwritten note from a crank as a legitimate source, the Daily 'Couve had a few OTHER suggestions for Madore's pile of truths-via-notecard.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Thursday, July 10, 2014

After first day of Vancouver pot sales, Uptown residents waaaaaaay more chill about the new McDonald's going in up the street

The crowds on Main Street were notable, as people lined up yesterday to buy legal recreational marijuana in Vancouver. Happily burning incense, playing drums, and exchanging meaningful nods as they appreciated one another's braided-hemp jewelry, citizens of Southwest Washington as well as Portland celebrated the ability to get high legally.

"This is the future, man," said one excited citizen who roamed the crowd trying to sell his collection of handmade bongs. "Here's your usual Gatorade bottle," he said about one. "And here's an apple," he said, brandishing another. "You want to get really awesome, here's one I made out of a doll's head. I know! Crazy!"

Giving credit to the notion that legal pot sales will be good for Clark County businesses, every convenience store and gas station within walking distance of Main Street Marijuana reported selling out of Cheetos, candy bars and hot dogs by 3pm.

"We just couldn't keep the shelves stocked!" said the manager of the 7-Eleven two blocks away from the new shop. "Either people were stocking up because they knew they weren't going to be leaving the house for a couple days, or they'd gotten high the second they left the shop and were on their way home."

He paused to think about what he'd just said. "I mean, not that anyone at all would do that, since it's illegal to smoke in public. All the people who bought pot today and definitely everyone who comes into this store are totally law-abiding citizens who wouldn't disrespect the law, I'm positive. So, um, scratch that. It was all people who were, um, planning ahead. Yeah."

An unexpected effect of the new shop opening has been a reduction in opposition to the McDonald's that has been planned for the lot across the street from 7-Eleven. Though Downtown residents have been up in arms about the siting of the fast-food restaurant, opposition dramatically decreased by Wednesday evening.

"Yeah..." said one red-eyed young man. "I wasn't super into the whole corporate fast-food thing being so close to my house. But... I don't know... I could really go for a Big Mac right now." He stopped talking to visualize a Big Mac and his eyes got wide. "Or one of those apple pies! Duuuude, those are so gooooooood. Hey, uh, could you give me a ride to the other McDonald's? It's only like a mile away."