Thursday, February 26, 2015

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Councilor Mielke wants to know where to stick the new "In God We Trust" motto
Huge citizen response overwhelms county servers

Just one day after successfully passing an out-of-state lobbying group's frivolous proposal to polarize the county by installing "In God We Trust" inside Clark County chambers, councilor and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke opened the discussion about where the council should stick it.

"This is a very important decision," said Mielke. "I know that because the out-of-state lobbyists told me over a nice steak dinner. Then they handed me an envelope with a list of suggestions and a check."

Councilor Jeanne Stewart cocked her head and looked at Mielke. "It strikes me, Councilor Mielke, that these might be things you want to mention on an 'inside-voice' level, not an 'into the microphone on the public record' level. Just... you know ... a thought."

Mielke looked around like he'd heard something, but wasn't sure what it was.

"Please forgive Councilor Mielke, Councilor Stewart," said councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "His hearing aid is programmed to create a buzzing sound whenever a woman speaks."

As Stewart started to formulate a reply, a member of the county's IT staff entered the room and whispered in Acting County Manager Mark McCauley's ear.

"Seriously?" asked McCauley.

The staffer nodded and tried not to laugh.

McCauley turned to the council.

"I'm terribly sorry, councilors," he said. "We are going to have to reschedule this meeting. It appears that, when we sent out the agenda for this meeting, a high volume of county residents had input. There are so many citizens who want to tell you where to stick the motto, that our servers have failed."

"Why can't we just finish the meeting?" asked Mielke.

"Well, councilor," said McCauley, "We need to provide you with all of the citizen comment before you can deliberate. With the servers down, we can't access all of the notes from the people who want to tell you where to stick the motto."

"Thank you, Mr. McCauley," said Stewart. "I do have my own opinions, but we definitely need to hear from all of the people who want to tell Mr. Mielke where to stick it."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Clark County ramps up public health spending to accommodate sudden increase in citizens reporting auditory hallucinations
"When 50% of the room is reporting that they have direct conversations with God, we've left the Bible and entered the DSM-5."

At yesterday's long, contentious, and frivolous hearing about two county councilors' attempt to ignite a religious war, something surprisingly positive happened.

As about half the citizens present testified in favor of the councilors' decision to post the religious motto, "In God We Trust" inside the council hearing room, councilor Jeanne Stewart noticed that most of those in favor of the motto supported their statement by saying that God spoke to them.

"Many of them even recounted long and elaborate conversations," said Stewart, the newest councilor. "That struck me as odd. I, like many others, feel that I have a relationship with God. But I don't actually hear Him speak. That would be kind of alarming, I would think."

She then contacted Clark County's public heath department, who enlisted the help of experts in the mental health field.

"Councilor Stewart is correct," said a psychiatrist. "While many religious people speak to God, if and when He starts speaking back, especially if it's with any frequency, there is cause for heightened awareness. These can be warning signs that someone needs help."

After consulting with mental health providers from throughout the county, the public health department asked the County Council for emergency funding to provide additional diagnosis and treatment.

"I was not happy about the rancor and divisiveness we saw at this public hearing," said councilor Stewart. "But if it means that, in some way, we are able to help county residents get the help they need? Then maybe it was all worth it."

"What we find most alarming," another expert said, "is twofold: these people claimed to represent many, many others in the community. If that's the case, it appears we might have an epidemic brewing."

He furrowed his brow and referenced a note. "Oh, the second thing? Yeah the second thing is that these were also all of the people carrying firearms."

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday, February 23, 2015

Yes, people. We here at Daily 'Couve HQ are aware that it's been months -- MONTHS!!!! -- since we delighted you with a post about our fair county. [Some of our detractors would say that we have yet to delight them. But that's cool. We'd say it about them, too]

But in honor of our county's ongoing religious battles, we here at Daily 'Couve chose to use our annual Lenten observance as service to fellow prayer warriors.

For Lent, we are giving up being quiet. We'll see you again soon, kids. SOON.

County finally installs national motto in council chambers
Budget constraints force staff to use abridged version

In the last few weeks, Clark County councilors have taken the bold step of eschewing actual governance, in favor of launching a spiritual war over whether or not to install the United States’ Communist-fearing “In God We Trust” motto inside council chambers.

Yes, councilors could have been discussing ways to show leadership in regional transportation planning. Or how to reasonably and effectively update a growth management plan. Or even how it is that Environmental Services Director/State Senator/litigation enthusiast Don Benton can be in two places at once, being paid for doing two jobs at once.

Instead, they chose to let a Missouri-based religious lobby group fabricate a county-wide religious feud.

“I’m impressed by their boldness,” said Congresswoman Jaime Herrera from her well-apportioned office in Washington, DC. “Working with Speaker Boehner, I know all about manufactured division. What’s impressive to me is that they didn’t waste any time getting to it. Usually, you’d try to establish reliability and trust in the first couple of months. It’s fascinating to me not only that the councilors skipped that step, but that Clark County just went right along with it,” she said.

Smelling an easy target, the Missouri-based In God We Trust-America, has been working on Clark County for a while. Known for being a man who enjoys the attention of church-going women with low expectations, Mielke listened to their pitch and brought it forward as his own idea.

“I can think of no more important work for a county councilor,” he said, “than having an excruciating and unnecessary conversation that invokes God and is really about nothing more than interior decorating.

“Does this have to happen?” he continued. “No. Do we need to have a public vote on it? Also no. Is it inappropriate, ineffective, and unproductive? YES! That’s why I do it!!!!!”

Shortly after the fifth hour of testimony that was mostly opposed to the proposal, the board of councilors unanimously approved it.

Unfortunately, they forgot that the county’s general fund had already been drained by councilor and motion-control enthusiast David Madore’s ill-advised fee waiver plan.

Working with very limited funds, county staff had to shorten the motto in order to be able to afford to produce it.

“We had to change a few of the words,” said a member of the planning staff. “We tried our best to keep it to the same meaning, though.”

Mielke, not known for his prowess with English, gave final approval for the motto before it was ordered.

Staff installed it over the weekend, and the county manager unveiled it this morning.

In gleaming letters 12” high, the words “God Help Us” welcomed visitors.

The entire hearing room erupted in applause.

“This is truly doing the work of the people,” beamed Mielke.

“I’ve never seen a truer motto than that one,” said a citizen as she knelt to the ground in prayer.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Let's Debunk this Mailer!
Anti-Charter Bullshit Misinformation Edition

The anti-home rule charter folks, funded by my good buddy motion-control enthusiast David Madore, put out a sweet, sweet mailer that's basically just a master class in misinformation.

I'd have made these videos into a drinking game where you have to drink every time there's a ridiculous fabrication of fact, but I care too much about you people to give you alcohol poisoning.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Get the Truth: Vote Yes on the County Charter

Longtime readers of the Daily 'Couve know that, around here, we hate bullshit.

Sadly, the anti-charter campaign is flinging piles of it in order to diminish the efforts of the 15 Freeholders who wrote a simple, practical document that will help control current abuses of power and prevent similar ones in the future.

Daily 'Couve capo di tutti capo and her pals from the Vancouver Side, Jim Mains and Gary Bock, have put together a series of educational videos to help tell the truth about what the Home Rule Charter really means.

It's like "The More You Know," only with a Fireball chaser.

Stay tuned for more!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

An Open Letter to the Vancouver Sausage Fest
And no, I'm not talking about a meeting of the Clark County Board of Commissioners


We will miss you in 2015, Vancouver Sausage Fest. Adieu.

From this time last year:

Vancouver Sausage Fest, you are perfect.
Who else can combine priests, Cub Scouts, and sausage on a stick with unparalleled confidence?
No one, that's who.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Friday, August 1, 2014

Vancouver Mayor threatens to quit golfing if taxpayers don't pick up the tab
"You don't want to be responsible for that kind of loss, do you?" he demands

In a bold if tone-deaf move on Monday night, Vancouver Mayor Tim Leavitt proposed that city taxpayers pick up the tab for councilmembers' membership dues in voluntary service organizations. Specifically, Leavitt wanted to get out of the $500+ he owes the Vancouver Rotary Club.

"My employer used to pay those dues for me," he said. "But then they realized that it's just yet another way they're paying me for performance they're not seeing."

So PBS Engineering stopped paying Leavitt's dues and he risked a $540 drop in his booze and cigars fund.

Taking it to city council, Leavitt advocated for the city to pay such memberships. "This organization gives scholarships to children and helps nonprofits. If my employer isn't paying for me to be a part of it, and the city isn't paying for it, then why should I go?" he asked. "I've got to have priorities and draw the line somewhere," he said. "If someone else doesn't pick up the tab for my involvement in that charitable organization, I might just have to quit altogether."

The room was silent as exactly no one rushed forward to express their deep sense of loss.

"Seriously?" asked councilor Alishia Topper, breaking the silence. "We seriously have to spend time on this? What, do you want us to pay your gym membership next, so you can stay pretty for pictures at all those exhausting ribbon cuttings you go to?"

Leavitt paused and contemplated her comment. "That's actually not a bad idea," he said. "You know, like a lot of movie stars and stuff, it's their job to look good. You could say the same about me as Mayor."

Topper blinked. "You could say that." She stared at Leavitt. "You'd be laughed out of the room, but you could say that."

"But you know," Leavitt said, "I do spend a lot of time on the golf course. And everyone there pats me on the back and calls me 'Mayor.' I think it'd make a lot of sense for the city to pay my club memberships, since, you know, I'm representing the city while I'm there."

Topper threw her hands in the air and leaned back in her chair. "I'm tapping out. Anyone else?"

Councilor Jack Burkman leaned in. "So, these golf games you want us to pay for. Would those be all of the games you play? Or just the ones you skip council meetings for?"